If you want to be a successful comedian [like the author], you MUST follow these rules:

1. All your sets should contain at least 3 racist jokes about Australian Aboriginals.
It's no secret in the industry that "aborigine humor" is possibly the biggest thing in comedy right now— look no further than Comedy Central's popular show Three Stoners Who Hunt and Murder Aborigines, or Doug Stanhope's new special, Fuck Aboriginals. If you have any moral objection to the continued persecution of Aboriginal people, it's best to keep them to yourself if you want to pursue a career in comedy.

2. Don't be an Aborigine.
People in the industry talk about "oversaturation" a lot— for example, does stand-up comedy really need another straight white male? So, if you're Aboriginal, it might be tempting to see a void in stand-up that your own unique voice could fill. But trust me: the comedy world doesn't want to hear your voice, and you'll never go anywhere, you human filth.

3. Make friends with your fellow comedians, so you can join their gang of Aborigine hunters.
In comedy, a lot of success is really tied to who you know. If you're not befriending your fellow comedians, you're not making connections. And other comedians feel closest to people they've made a blood oath to purge the earth of racially inferior Aborigines with.

4. Keep up with trends in comedy— you don't still want to be one of those comedians doing material about Sri Lankans.
Nothing tells an audience that a comedian is "out of touch" quicker than doing dated material about Sri Lankans or some other minority that's already been exterminated off the face of the earth. Nothing is worse than seeing some old road dog doing jokes about the Clinton administration and how much he hates Sri Lankans. They don't even exist anymore, so don't be that guy.

5. Tape all of your sets.
One of the best tools for developing as a comedian is a camera. By taping your sets, you can watch them over and over again, and get a more honest look at crowd feedback and how specific jokes or even movements went over.

Good luck!